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WeBeFit Test Drives the Latest Fad Diets
An April Fools Parody

What crazy diet are you trying?
What crazy diet are you trying?

The Color Wheel Diet

The Color Wheel Diet was developed by couture designer Donatella Versace as an easily accessible diet plan even her dumbest fashion models could follow to stay runway thin. Six days of the week are assigned a color and the dieter may only eat foods of that color. (ie. Blue Monday, Green Tuesday, Yellow Wednesday, etc.) On Sundays, participants may only consume champagne.

Martina and Leigh tested out the Color Wheel and found that certain days were easier to adhere to than others. For example, Orange Thursdays were fun because they ate Velveeta shells and cheese, Cheetos and orange sherbet, but Blue Mondays were tough, partly because beyond blueberries and blue M & M’s they couldn’t find many blue foods, but mostly because they were so hung over from Champagne Sunday. Martina disliked that there were no Brown Days for Nutella indulging, while Leigh became so distraught finding the right colored foods that by month’s end, she was subsisting on Fruit Stripe Gum.

Average Weight Loss: 5.2 lbs.
Grade: A bright, orange C-

The Yak Milk Challenge

This unusual dietary regimen was invented by Tibetan Monks to stave off the pangs of starvation. While crops were scarce, wild yaks were plentiful and the monks realized that if they drank a cup of warm, yak milk each time they felt hungry, the cravings for real food disappeared. The Yak Milk Challenge took off with popularity in the US because it was rumored to quell the appetite for nearly all food.

The major hurdle in trying the Challenge was in procuring the yak milk. Many scam artists on the internet will try to pawn off regular cow or goat milk as yak. Don’t be fooled. Real yak milk has a yellowish tinge in color, small, irregular, naturally occurring curds, and a distinct odor of dirty gym socks.

Once we found the real thing (All Things Yak, $79.99/liter,) only Josh was brave enough to drink the stuff. For the first few days, Josh drank some each time he was hungry, a cup at first, then only a swig or two. He reported that by the fourth day on the challenge, simply thinking about the yak milk touching his lips was enough to completely stave off hunger. Josh stopped eating altogether by the end of the first week and was hospitalized for dehydration and livestock hallucinations by the 13th day.

Total Weight Loss: 12 lbs
Grade: D+

The Whole Whole Foods Diet

The Whole Whole Foods Diet theorizes that by only eating non-processed foods in their entirety, (flesh, skin, bone, core, pit, seeds, fat, shell, fur, etc,) the digestive system will be placed on overtime to break down the parts of foods we usually discard, therefore burning more calories.

Albert test drove the Whole Whole Foods Diet and at first enjoyed quite a few fruits and vegetables, though he admitted it was a bit weird having to choke down the seeds and cores of apples and pears. Meat was really hard to procure in its whole state, and grains were not nearly as tasty when forced to eat them unrefined, stalk and all.

Public reaction to him adhering to the diet made his food choices even more limited. After nasty looks in a restaurant eating Brazilian Branzino, bones, eye balls and all, and the horrified faces of his clients as he snacked on a whole banana, skin-on, he began to worry if the diet was worth the gradual weight loss he was enjoying.

Unfortunately the Whole Whole Foods Diet also placed an unexpected strain on Albert’s personal life. His daughters saw him eating chicken….bones, feathers, and all, and now are scared of Daddy, and his wife said she won’t sleep in the same room with him until he is done consuming cruciferous stalks, fruit cores and pits. As a result of trying to eat whole walnuts, he’s also got some costly dental work in his future.

Total Weight Loss: 6 lbs
Grade: F

The Master Blaster Cleanse

This Stevie Wonder inspiration involves cleansing the body of toxins by concocting a shake out of items you blindly assemble in your own kitchen.

Once a week, Cleanse Day, the participant opens up all the kitchen cabinets, refrigerator and freezer, sets up a blender, puts on a blindfold and plays Stevie Wonder’s five minute radio version of “Master Blaster.” During those five minutes the participant blindly selects items for his “Blaster” blender drink.

Dan was pumped to try the Blaster and the first cleanse day went pretty well, as he blindly (and luckily) selected mangoes, milk, some fresh greens and oats for his first concoction.

 On the second week he was not so fortunate. What he thought were frozen berries turned out to be frozen peas, and the dollop of honey turned out to be Korean BBQ sauce. Blended with the grapefruit juice he’d mistaken for milk and the basmati rice he’d mistaken for flax seeds, week two’s Blaster drink was interesting.

Dan wasn’t entirely dissuaded, saying, “After the diarrhea and vomiting subsided, I felt really great, like really invincible, as if my whole digestive system had been thoroughly renovated.”

Total Weight Loss: 7 lbs.
Grade: B-

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CAUTION: Check with your doctor before
beginning any diet or exercise program.

4/6/2019